An email made me pause
Thursday, May 14, 2009 at 10:56AM A couple of days ago, I received an email that seemed normal, then startling, then fear-inspiring, then weird, then hopeful and happy.
What was it?
My regular tri-monthly reminder that it was time to renew my birth control prescription.
Totally on autopilot, I started thinking about what was in the bank and if I could afford to file the renewal at that moment. Then it dawned on me: I wasn't going to be renewing the Rx because we're actually going to TRY and conceive instead of actually working to AVOID conception. Whoa.
So over dinner last night, I started with, "Uh, so, I got this email..." and ended with, "So, uh, are we really going to start trying? Like, do I really not renew the prescription?" And it turns out, after all this time of the hubby being more sure about this than me, now I'm the one who's more sure and he's the one who's a bit scared - not scared in the "no, we should wait" way but in the "wow, having kids at any time is going to be scary" way.
We talked about our plans for the apartment and I told him about the recent Momversation episode about birth plans and what I think mine would consist of. We talked about how a baby would fit into our lives - or what I think our lives will look like a year from now - all while kind of laughing in my head because I know it's not that you fit a baby into your life - it's that you fit your life around the baby. I definitely think there's something to timing and feeling that you're ready. I used to hate shows like A Baby Story and mommy blogs... and now I can't get enough of mommy blogs and have caught myself watching an episode or two of A Baby Story. Meanwhile, I no longer have the patience for wedding/bridal-related shows and sites, something I couldn't get enough of this time last year.
Life is a beautiful, scary, awe-inspiring journey. There are so many great things one can do in life: travel, learn, explore, ponder, love... but there's nothing as unretractable (is that a word?) and permanent as having a child, which is probably why it's so fear-inspiring to those not yet initiated and such a constant and glowing topic of conversation amongst those who have. We're not trying yet (really, not yet - I promise) but I'm definitely more excited about the prospect than I ever have been before. Still scared, but kind of in a good way.
baby, change, family, marriage, things that make me happy, things that make me worry in baby, family, life, marriage 
Reader Comments (3)
Best of luck! I thought that even deciding to attempt to try to have a baby was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was about a year ago that I really considered starting to try (even though I wasn't brave enough to try until August.) I was so freaked out that I had a panic attack in the fertility section of Barnes and Noble one summer evening.
Congrats to you and your husband and I look forward to hearing all about your journey!
Wow! A baby! I'm jealous. If I could, right now, I would start having kids, but I'm not ready just yet. David and I decided we would be [a] married and [b] expecting by the time I'm 30. I'm 25 now (26 in 2 days) so in about 3 years I really hope to be where you are. I'm so excited for you!
I wish you all the best in the baby-making months to come!
I definitely was not ready aaaaanytime before 30, for sure. I'll be 35 next year (ughhh) so I want/need to get started. I think waiting until you're ready is key.